Labels

How I hate to label people… “Gay”, “straight”, “male”, “female”, “black”, “white”, “autistic”, “Covid-19 positive”… Blah-blah-blah-whatever… Does it matter? I feel no…

I consider myself to be race-blind… I was already living together with my now-ex when I found out that she’s 50% Asian, lol… Everyone was like “How did you not see that? That is so obvious…” Well, I didn’t… And it did not matter to me at all. For over a decade my ex was bothered by it and tried to show me photos where she looks “soooo Asian” and I could never see it. I still don’t.

But… but… but… I like to label myself 🙂 Because I feel it gives me some answers, some clarity. You should see the mess I have in my head. It’s insane, it never stops. I do not have any idea where most of this mess comes from… So if I find a label that fits, that makes me feel better, because I understand where some of it comes from and through that I can relate to other people too. Because often I feel alone in everything, like I’m always only one who wants the things that I do, who feels the feelings that I have… Labels do not restrict me, they empower me.

My Master has started to refer to me as His property. And I agree. Not that anyone has asked me :D, but I do… I identify as an emotional and physical masochist, but I feel connected to the word “property” as well. Because I am just me – I am as I am.

I have an “objectification” kink, I do not want to do things for myself, I like things to be done to me. If I go to this space where I feel I can just be myself… Without thinking and really without even feeling much… I feel good when I’m told what to do and not to do, what to wear… I’d feel cared for when I’m taken to see the doctor – you know, in a way like you take your car for a service lol. I’d never go if that going and decision is left up to me. It turns me on, when He talks about me like I would not be present, I like when he looks at me, admires what is His, makes comments about what I look like or what I do… When he wants to mark my body in writing, brand or bruises… Tells me what He has decided. I like when He is proud of me. I’d like Him to play with me in public. Just to be grabbed and taken anywhere. Does not have to be to bed… just outside, to shop… or in front of TV. Just grab me by my hair and take me with…Without any warning… I would love to be shared only because I feel it would confirm me that I’m really His to do what he wants, be borrowed like a book or some kind of equipment… To be locked up, chained… Used sexually and get no orgasms from it… Serve Him and his guests drinks and food… Do domestic tasks that I absolutely hate… At the end of the day to be hugged and held and made to feel special again. Safe. Protected. Loved. Owned. Possessed.
I’d try to fight it all initially, because I have not yet fully accepted what I really am and need. But hopefully He knows… And that all fits together now.

I think that is the reason I’m kinda drawn to Gor, too… Women are just property, they have no choice. And even though I feel that all other women should have choice, maybe for my own good, I should not… Entering a dangerous territory, but… Easier said than done, but that’s how I feel…

Our future kitchen 😀 😀 😀

At the end… I need to be in absolute consent relationship, with no limits and safe words… 24/7… All in… I feel it would make me His. Totally. Completely. Forever. We are not there yet, but I dream about the day when I can let go of everything and trust/love so competely that I could be in this kind of relationship. Still not 100% sure I could do it, but maybe…?!

However, I do feel, as His property, I have to play certain roles… Being His slave, His kajira – it would be something I do, not something I am… I feel I do not play those roles very well… But I’m willing to try.

If I’m going to think me being a slave and not doing something perfectly, I would feel horrible and I have felt like this at times. As a property, I understand that my best has to be good enough – slowly trying to get there, so I’d forgive myself.
He chose me to be His, so I guess He is okay with it too.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Roses are red, Violets are blue…
If you shave your beard, I will kill You…

Yes, I made this poem all by myself. Hard to believe, right?! 🙂

I do not have any special feelings about Valentine’s Day. Maybe because I have been told from early age that this is American holiday, not ours and it’s created because of business people want to get rich. Well… maybe it is 😉 But I’m not mad about anyone celebrating it.

Anyway… I wish no one feels lonely and sad today.
But then again – I wish that any other day too.

Just a question

Some time ago I asked my Master: “Our relationship has many layers… We are friends first, as you said… Then we are in a relationship… And then there is M/s lifestyle side. If you had to give up one of those layers – which it would be?”. I knew he cannot leave out friendship part, so between relationship and M/s dynamic, I was kinda sure he will pick to leave out the relationship-layer. I was shocked that his answer was that he’d leave out the lifestyle part, because “I’d always want to be with you no matter what”.

If I was asked the same question, then I would leave out the relationship part. Wouldn’t be too happy to do it, but we are already friends, I feel. I have grew to love and care for him as a person first. That would not change for almost anything (except for after hardcore betrayal from his part, which I think and hope will never happen) even if we were not together. And I feel I really cannot have a relationship again without the lifestyle part. I’m just way too set in my ways, used to getting everything my way and if I’m not under my partner’s control, I will be controlling the relationship myself. That will make me very unhappy, it would make him unhappy and this just would not last.

But for some weird reason, his answer made me happy. I have been thinking for days (!!!) about it – why is that? If things went his way – I would NOT be happy just being his girlfriend. That would suck big time! So why am I happy that he would choose that path?!? “Happy” is not even strong enough word for it – I’m ecstatic and relieved…

So now the only question I have is… WTF?

Happy New Year (L)

Shut up!

Me: ***whining about something***
Him: “Shut up!”
Me: “Uuuh…” ***getting turned on***
Him: ***starts to laugh at me reluctantly, because he wanted to be serious for the moment***
Me: “Yeah, know your audience!”
Him: “What? Move my old ass?”
Me: ***lmao*** “KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE!”

Holidays…

I remember a year ago today… It had been two days and two nights since I left my relationship after being together 11 years. I remember that day so clearly, because 25th of December was the first time after that evening when I decided to leave my house. I stopped crying, I started to wonder if it’s really over or I’ll just give up and end up going back like so many times before. I suck at breakups. But somehow this time it felt different. I felt lighter and at peace… I did not regret anything. I do now, though – I regret losing my best friend. But on the other hand, if it was so easily lost, it wasn’t real anyway… And I’m thinking I might be better off…

So how about this year? Well… still alone… still in my house. Not crying, so that’s good. If you look at it from the outside – seems like nothing really has changed. But I know, in my heart… many things have. And many more things need to… I will not be alone next Christmas, that is 1 000 000% sure…

It’ll be lonely this Christmas
Without you to hold
It’ll be lonely this Christmas
Lonely and cold
It’ll be cold, so cold, without you to hold
This Christmas 


Merry Christmas, darling, wherever you are

7 months together, yay!

I wanted to go out for a cigarette. My request was denied. I whined, he made it clear that I should stop whining right now. So couple of minutes later…

Him: “I have not had coffee for a while.”
Me: /trying to be cute/ “You know what I have not done for a while?”
Him: “Yeah, shut up?!”

Lmao… That is very true.

I love you, baby (L)