How I hate to label people… “Gay”, “straight”, “male”, “female”, “black”, “white”, “autistic”, “Covid-19 positive”… Blah-blah-blah-whatever… Does it matter? I feel no…
I consider myself to be race-blind… I was already living together with my now-ex when I found out that she’s 50% Asian, lol… Everyone was like “How did you not see that? That is so obvious…” Well, I didn’t… And it did not matter to me at all. For over a decade my ex was bothered by it and tried to show me photos where she looks “soooo Asian” and I could never see it. I still don’t.
But… but… but… I like to label myself 🙂 Because I feel it gives me some answers, some clarity. You should see the mess I have in my head. It’s insane, it never stops. I do not have any idea where most of this mess comes from… So if I find a label that fits, that makes me feel better, because I understand where some of it comes from and through that I can relate to other people too. Because often I feel alone in everything, like I’m always only one who wants the things that I do, who feels the feelings that I have… Labels do not restrict me, they empower me.
My Master has started to refer to me as His property. And I agree. Not that anyone has asked me :D, but I do… I identify as an emotional and physical masochist, but I feel connected to the word “property” as well. Because I am just me – I am as I am.
I have an “objectification” kink, I do not want to do things for myself, I like things to be done to me. If I go to this space where I feel I can just be myself… Without thinking and really without even feeling much… I feel good when I’m told what to do and not to do, what to wear… I’d feel cared for when I’m taken to see the doctor – you know, in a way like you take your car for a service lol. I’d never go if that going and decision is left up to me. It turns me on, when He talks about me like I would not be present, I like when he looks at me, admires what is His, makes comments about what I look like or what I do… When he wants to mark my body in writing, brand or bruises… Tells me what He has decided. I like when He is proud of me. I’d like Him to play with me in public. Just to be grabbed and taken anywhere. Does not have to be to bed… just outside, to shop… or in front of TV. Just grab me by my hair and take me with…Without any warning… I would love to be shared only because I feel it would confirm me that I’m really His to do what he wants, be borrowed like a book or some kind of equipment… To be locked up, chained… Used sexually and get no orgasms from it… Serve Him and his guests drinks and food… Do domestic tasks that I absolutely hate… At the end of the day to be hugged and held and made to feel special again. Safe. Protected. Loved. Owned. Possessed.
I’d try to fight it all initially, because I have not yet fully accepted what I really am and need. But hopefully He knows… And that all fits together now.
I think that is the reason I’m kinda drawn to Gor, too… Women are just property, they have no choice. And even though I feel that all other women should have choice, maybe for my own good, I should not… Entering a dangerous territory, but… Easier said than done, but that’s how I feel…
At the end… I need to be in absolute consent relationship, with no limits and safe words… 24/7… All in… I feel it would make me His. Totally. Completely. Forever. We are not there yet, but I dream about the day when I can let go of everything and trust/love so competely that I could be in this kind of relationship. Still not 100% sure I could do it, but maybe…?!
However, I do feel, as His property, I have to play certain roles… Being His slave, His kajira – it would be something I do, not something I am… I feel I do not play those roles very well… But I’m willing to try.
If I’m going to think me being a slave and not doing something perfectly, I would feel horrible and I have felt like this at times. As a property, I understand that my best has to be good enough – slowly trying to get there, so I’d forgive myself.
He chose me to be His, so I guess He is okay with it too.